Here’s a cute little tortoise that’s a massager for your back and shoulders (and other body parts that need massaging too, I suppose). I’m not sure why they are branding it as a tortoise massager instead of the clearly more marketable turtle moniker but maybe that’s because there’s actually some sort of physical difference between the two that only the wise geeks at Brando know. To the average person (read: me) there’s no physical difference other than the fact that every time I type tortoise I need to look at it twice to make sure I got the spelling correct.

The other mystery about this vibrating reptile is why it has a USB connection. Clearly (and it’s stated in the description too) this soothing shelled swimmer is powered by a pair of AA batteries. Yes it COULD be powered by the USB but why would you do that? The cable would definitely get in the way and it’s short length would force you into an uncomfortably awkward position near your computer which would lead to back and shoulder pain for which you would need a handheld vibrating massager. It’s like the circle of life. Or something.